Coffin Dodging Oxygen Thief Birthday Greeting Card
Respect Your Elders? Nah.
Some people age like fine wine. Others are just stubbornly refusing to go into the light. The Coffin Dodging Oxygen Thief Birthday Card is the ultimate roast for the geriatric friend or relative who has overstayed their welcome on Earth (in the most loving way possible, of course).
Skip the sentimental verses about "wisdom" and "grace." Give them what they really deserve: a reminder that they are technically still alive, even if they are stealing valuable air from the rest of us.
Why You Need It:
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Brutal Honesty: The perfect way to roast your best friend or sibling who is getting a little too old.
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British Wit: Uses classic slang ("Coffin Dodger") to deliver the insult with a bit of sophistication.
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Premium Quality: Printed on heavy luster cardstock, so it feels nice even if the message is mean.
Specs:
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Size: 5x7 Inches (Standard A7)
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Material: Heavyweight Luster Cardstock
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Interior: Blank (Write your own eulogy... er, birthday wish)
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Includes: Matching Envelope
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About The Original Underground
About The Original Underground
Welcome to the Asylum: About The Original Underground
Welcome to THE ORIGINAL UNDERGROUND—where creativity meets mayhem. We aren't here to follow trends; we’re here to smash them into a million pieces. Our store is a celebration of the bold, the weird, the rebellious, and the raw. While we love a good graphic tee, we are so much more than a clothing brand. We are a lifestyle for the misfits, the creeps, the loudmouths, and the anti-everythings.
Purveyors of Punk, Horror, and Cult Cinema
We know culture, but we live for counterculture. Our shelves are stocked with original designs inspired by punk roots, horror guts, and the obscure corners of cult cinema. We create the stuff that lives in the back of your closet and the front of your brain—unapologetically unique gear for people who know exactly who they are.
More Than Just a Shirt on Your Back
Sure, we have the softest, most offensive tees in the game, but true chaos is in the details. The Original Underground is your one-stop shop for outfitting every aspect of your life with authentic attitude. We specialize in the accessories that define a lifestyle:
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Stickers & Decals: Slap our vinyl on your laptop, bumper, or street sign.
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Custom Lighters: Flick your Bic with style using our unique, pop-culture-inspired designs.
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Drinkware & Koozies: From "serious gourmet sh-t" mugs to can coolers that keep your beverage cold while you watch the world burn.
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Greeting Cards: Birthdays, anniversaries, and apologies are better when they are brutally honest.
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Home Goods: Warn your neighbors before they even knock with our collection of aggressive door mats and air fresheners.
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Purses & Accessories: Carry your baggage (literal and emotional) in our horror-themed bags and pouches.
A Bad Store for Bad People
There are those who say it's bad to be different. But in a world of forced normality, we are proud to be a beacon of authentic chaos. We cater to the retail customer who refuses to blend in—the individual who wants their keychains, pins, and socks to scream personality just as loud as their voice does.
Join the Underground
Whether you are looking for a horror movie gift, a punk rock accessory, or just something to make your coworkers nervous, you’ve found your home. Explore our latest drops, grab a lighter, and embrace the mayhem.
The Original Underground—fighting the mainstream since 2007.
Shipping Information
Shipping Information
If you need any assistance with an existing order, please email us at simply email us at info@theoriginalunderground.com and we typically respond in under an hour (during our normal business hours). Please note that free shipping offers are available to the US only. We also offer free order pickup regardless of order value at our Brick, New Jersey warehouse. If you would like to pick up your order, simply email us and we are happy to help!
We make every effort to get orders out within 72 hours of receiving them, however in rare cases it can take as much as a few business days to ship. If there is going to be a delay we will notify you immediately via the email you provide.
We ONLY ship to the address specified on your receipt unless otherwise requested. Please be sure it is accurate. All items are shipped with a Tracking Number.
USPS orders are picked up Mon - Sat by 11 a.m. EST each day (holidays excluded).
UPS orders are picked up Mon - Fri by 1 p.m. EST (holidays excluded).
IF YOU NEED YOUR ORDER RUSHED we can upgrade your shipping for whatever the additional cost would be. Just write us BEFORE placing your order and put "RUSH" as the first word in the subject line and we will respond within 24 hours. If you don't notice us beforehand, we may ship your order before getting to your message.
SHIPPING TO THE UNITED STATES:
Once the tracking number posts "delivered", that means that package has been delivered. We are not responsible for lost or stolen items. If you would like to purchase insurance or signature confirmation, we are more than happy to accommodate you. Please let us know and we will send you a new invoice.
If it is not safe to leave the package on your door stop, please leave a note on your mailbox to the carrier to prevent any issues or otherwise write us to add Signature Confirmation. If the item is stolen from your door there's nothing we can do.
INTERNATIONAL:
Items are shipped with an average estimated delivery of 5-9 business days after your item has shipped. In some rare cases shipment time can be up to 2-4 weeks depending on Customs holds for your country.
We mark all deliveries outside the US as "Gift" but are not responsible for any tariff or additional taxes your country may charge. Please note that we are NOT responsible for LOST or STOLEN items. If you would like to purchase insurance/signature confirmation, please let us know.
Returns & Exchanges
Returns & Exchanges
NO HASSLE EXCHANGES ON ALL APPAREL
We completely understand that it's tough to pick out a size on a screen, so we offer no worries exchanges if you happen to get something that doesn't fit perfectly. Just write us and let us know what size you would like and we will be more than happy to mail it out to you with a return label for the incorrect size you recieved. We cover all the shipping costs so you can shop easy and not worry about paying anything further to get the item that's going to fit you perfectly! Just make sure the original is unworn and unwashed, and write us within 14 days of receiving your order. This policy is valid for the United States only. If you have any questions at all or if your shipping address is outside of the United States, just write us and we will be more than happy to help!
RETURNS
If you are not 100% satisfied with your purchase (unhappy with our print quality or our products offered) we will gladly offer you a refund for your items minus the shipping costs. If something is wrong with the order (wrong order received / wrong size received / basically our fault) PLEASE CONTACT US right away. We will send you a replacement item immediately and cover shipping costs both ways. We do our best to avoid these errors but please be patient with us if we've made a mistake with your order.
RETURN / EXCHANGE INSTRUCTIONS
Please try to send us your exchange or return within 7-10 days of the delivery date. Refunds can be processed up to 30 days after receipt of payment. After 30 days, items can be returned for a store credit for the original value of the purchased item.
PLEASE BE SURE TO INCLUDE ALL INFO INSIDE RETURN PACKAGE FOR QUICKER PROCESSING:
1) FULL NAME
2) RETURN ADDRESS
3) EMAIL
5) REPLACEMENT DESIGN/SIZE/STYLE/COLOR NEEDED or REFUND request
6) *INTERNATIONAL Customers* Please contact us regarding return postage costs
Send to:
Shady Front Holdings
1121 Industrial Parkway
UNIT D
BRICK , NJ 08724
Be sure to check for any discrepancies or defects prior to wearing/using your item.
WE DO NOT REFUND SHIPPING costs for any returned merchandise.
Returns & Exchanges
Something didn't fit right? No stress.
Use our portal to easily print your label and send it back.
Your payment information is processed securely. We do not store credit card details nor have access to your credit card information.
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Discover more in our FAQ
Shoot our team an email & we’ll get back to you ASAP
How long does it take to process an order?
How long does it take to process an order?
Orders are typically processed within 1–2 business days. You will receive a confirmation email with tracking details once your order has been shipped. Please note that processing times may be slightly longer during high-demand periods or sales events.
If you need any assistance with an existing order, please email us at simply email us at info@theoriginalunderground.com and we typically respond in under an hour (during our normal business hours). Please note that free shipping offers are available to the US only. We also offer free order pickup regardless of order value at our Brick, New Jersey warehouse. If you would like to pick up your order, simply email us and we are happy to help!
We make every effort to get orders out within 72 hours of receiving them, however in rare cases it can take as much as a few business days to ship. If there is going to be a delay we will notify you immediately via the email you provide.
We ONLY ship to the address specified on your receipt unless otherwise requested. Please be sure it is accurate. All items are shipped with a Tracking Number.
USPS orders are picked up Mon - Sat by 11 a.m. EST each day (holidays excluded).
UPS orders are picked up Mon - Fri by 1 p.m. EST (holidays excluded).
IF YOU NEED YOUR ORDER RUSHED we can upgrade your shipping for whatever the additional cost would be. Just write us BEFORE placing your order and put "RUSH" as the first word in the subject line and we will respond within 24 hours. If you don't notice us beforehand, we may ship your order before getting to your message.
SHIPPING TO THE UNITED STATES:
Once the tracking number posts "delivered", that means that package has been delivered. We are not responsible for lost or stolen items. If you would like to purchase insurance or signature confirmation, we are more than happy to accommodate you. Please let us know and we will send you a new invoice.
If it is not safe to leave the package on your door stop, please leave a note on your mailbox to the carrier to prevent any issues or otherwise write us to add Signature Confirmation. If the item is stolen from your door there's nothing we can do.
INTERNATIONAL:
Items are shipped with an average estimated delivery of 5-9 business days after your item has shipped. In some rare cases shipment time can be up to 2-4 weeks depending on Customs holds for your country.
We mark all deliveries outside the US as "Gift" but are not responsible for any tariff or additional taxes your country may charge. Please note that we are NOT responsible for LOST or STOLEN items. If you would like to purchase insurance/signature confirmation, please let us know.
Do you ship internationally?
Do you ship internationally?
Yes, we offer international shipping to most countries. Shipping rates and delivery times vary depending on the destination. Any applicable customs duties or taxes will be the responsibility of the recipient.
If you need any assistance with an existing order, please email us at simply email us at info@theoriginalunderground.com and we typically respond in under an hour (during our normal business hours). Please note that free shipping offers are available to the US only. We also offer free order pickup regardless of order value at our Brick, New Jersey warehouse. If you would like to pick up your order, simply email us and we are happy to help!
We make every effort to get orders out within 72 hours of receiving them, however in rare cases it can take as much as a few business days to ship. If there is going to be a delay we will notify you immediately via the email you provide.
We ONLY ship to the address specified on your receipt unless otherwise requested. Please be sure it is accurate. All items are shipped with a Tracking Number.
USPS orders are picked up Mon - Sat by 11 a.m. EST each day (holidays excluded).
UPS orders are picked up Mon - Fri by 1 p.m. EST (holidays excluded).
IF YOU NEED YOUR ORDER RUSHED we can upgrade your shipping for whatever the additional cost would be. Just write us BEFORE placing your order and put "RUSH" as the first word in the subject line and we will respond within 24 hours. If you don't notice us beforehand, we may ship your order before getting to your message.
SHIPPING TO THE UNITED STATES:
Once the tracking number posts "delivered", that means that package has been delivered. We are not responsible for lost or stolen items. If you would like to purchase insurance or signature confirmation, we are more than happy to accommodate you. Please let us know and we will send you a new invoice.
If it is not safe to leave the package on your door stop, please leave a note on your mailbox to the carrier to prevent any issues or otherwise write us to add Signature Confirmation. If the item is stolen from your door there's nothing we can do.
INTERNATIONAL:
Items are shipped with an average estimated delivery of 5-9 business days after your item has shipped. In some rare cases shipment time can be up to 2-4 weeks depending on Customs holds for your country.
We mark all deliveries outside the US as "Gift" but are not responsible for any tariff or additional taxes your country may charge. Please note that we are NOT responsible for LOST or STOLEN items. If you would like to purchase insurance/signature confirmation, please let us know.
What is your return policy?
What is your return policy?
We accept returns within 30 days of delivery. To be eligible, items must be unused, in their original packaging, and accompanied by proof of purchase. If the item is faulty or damaged, we will cover the return shipping and provide a replacement or full refund.
NO HASSLE EXCHANGES ON ALL APPAREL
We completely understand that it's tough to pick out a size on a screen, so we offer no worries exchanges if you happen to get something that doesn't fit perfectly. Just write us and let us know what size you would like and we will be more than happy to mail it out to you with a return label for the incorrect size you recieved. We cover all the shipping costs so you can shop easy and not worry about paying anything further to get the item that's going to fit you perfectly! Just make sure the original is unworn and unwashed, and write us within 14 days of receiving your order. This policy is valid for the United States only. If you have any questions at all or if your shipping address is outside of the United States, just write us and we will be more than happy to help!
RETURNS
If you are not 100% satisfied with your purchase (unhappy with our print quality or our products offered) we will gladly offer you a refund for your items minus the shipping costs. If something is wrong with the order (wrong order received / wrong size received / basically our fault) PLEASE CONTACT US right away. We will send you a replacement item immediately and cover shipping costs both ways. We do our best to avoid these errors but please be patient with us if we've made a mistake with your order.
RETURN / EXCHANGE INSTRUCTIONS
Please try to send us your exchange or return within 7-10 days of the delivery date. Refunds can be processed up to 30 days after receipt of payment. After 30 days, items can be returned for a store credit for the original value of the purchased item.
PLEASE BE SURE TO INCLUDE ALL INFO INSIDE RETURN PACKAGE FOR QUICKER PROCESSING:
1) FULL NAME
2) RETURN ADDRESS
3) EMAIL
5) REPLACEMENT DESIGN/SIZE/STYLE/COLOR NEEDED or REFUND request
6) *INTERNATIONAL Customers* Please contact us regarding return postage costs
Send to:
Shady Front Holdings
1121 Industrial Parkway
UNIT D
BRICK , NJ 08724
Be sure to check for any discrepancies or defects prior to wearing/using your item.
WE DO NOT REFUND SHIPPING costs for any returned merchandise.
Returns & Exchanges
Something didn't fit right? No stress.
Use our portal to easily print your label and send it back.
